The Couch Post

We hear this each holiday season, “Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year!”  And often, we’re told we should be full of gratitude during Thanksgiving. However, for many people, this is far from their reality and holiday stress is at an all-time high. And with this year’s outbreak of Covid-19, the holidays will look very different for most. For those who already struggled with their emotions during the holidays, the pandemic has the potential to intensify these uneasy feelings. For those who look forward to the hustle and bustle of the holidays, it is also important to be aware of how the pandemic may affect your mood this year. Let’s dive into some aspects of life that you should be aware of before the holiday blues rears its ugly head.

1. Loss of Sense of Self 

Whether spent with family or hosting a Friendsgiving dinner, this year may bring a sense of loss regarding traditions and anticipatory plans. Some look forward to traveling while others long for some time off of work. Things are different this year. You may have been furloughed or decided to opt-out of traveling for safety reasons. With so many unknowns, you may begin to ask yourself, “What do the holidays mean to me when nothing is the same?” Take the time to analyze what really matters to you during this season.

2. Greater Isolation

Humans need connection. Isolation may lead to impulsive or mindless behaviors, which prolonged isolation often leads to. Be mindful of increased impulsive and mindless behaviors such as spending, eating, binging, and substance use. While these activities may bring short-term relief, they may cause more harm than good in the long run. Those who are already prone to anxious and depressed moods may feel a rise in these emotions while frequently alone.

3. Increased Impulsive and Mindless Behaviors

Depressed moods, anxiety, and just plain boredom can lead to behaviors we regret later.  Be mindful of how you’re spending your time alone. Is any of it causing distress in your life, whether it be financially or emotionally? Hours spent searching the best deals or staring at a screen can lead you to feel more fatigued and wound up.

4. Sense of Hopelessness

The inability to stay present, combined with a dismal outlook for the future, is one way the pandemic can decrease positivity. Anticipating that things will be different right away will cause you to feel a sense of hopelessness if things do not go according to your plans. Try to remain patient with yourself and with the current circumstances. Affirm that a better season of life is coming in due time. 

5. Lack of Motivation

“The year is over; there’s nothing left to do. What’s the point? 2020 is a wash!” Have you noticed your mind shifting to these types of thoughts? Be mindful of mental negativity that may drag you down. 2020 will seep into 2021. While Covid-19 may still follow us into 2021, the negativity does not have to do the same.

6. Loss of Boundaries

Just because we are quarantined doesn’t mean there can’t be boundaries. Perhaps, you became a little more relaxed with your time and energy during Covid-19. You committed to one too many Zoom parties and possibly even reconnected with negative people to pass some time. There can be limits to Zoom encounters and FaceTime. It is still ok to say “no” to requests even if you have the time. You can also continue to stay disconnected from people of your past who were out of your life for a reason. 

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The holidays come with its own share of stressors, but this year is the time to be a bit more mindful. Take the time to become aware of these signs, especially if the past holidays have been stressful and not so joyous for you.

To learn more ways to deal with holiday stress, check out Harvard’s article on holiday blues and their affect on your mental health.

For more ways to identify and further cope with the holiday blues this year contact us

Do you ever feel like you’re not making progress towards your goals or that you seem to get in your own way? It could possibly be due to “stinking thinking,” most well known as cognitive distortions.  Cognitive distortions are sneaky, distorted, and irrational thoughts that we hold to be true.  They just keep us in a place of fear without any warrant.  They can also put us in a place of second guessing ourselves and delaying what we know must be done.  

The good news is that you are normal (yay!) and that there are definite ways to overcome these irrational and often, negative patterns of thinking. The next time you feel paralyzed by fear, put your thoughts on trial and honestly answer the questions below.  Using a recent or current thought that has a negative undertone, ask yourself: 

1. What evidence do I have to support this outcome or belief?  When you put your thoughts on trial, you have to lay out all the evidence on the table.  The positive and negative, the realistic and not.  If you think the outcome will be negative, you will somehow talk yourself out of situations without having evidence to support it. So, go ahead and write down all the evidence that you have to support your outcome. If the evidence is slim, your initial thought is most likely an irrational belief.
2. What is the worst that can happen? With irrational thoughts come irrational and unlikely outcomes.  When you imagine the worst possible outcomes and believe them as true, you are catastrophizing. When there is something you are afraid to do because the situation has been magnified, you have to ask yourself “What is the likelihood of this catastrophe really happening?” 
3. Do I have the tools to succeed? Tools include everything from education to the right connections.  Take inventory of what you already have, know, and can do.  Keep in mind that the stinking thinking mindset will trick you into thinking you do not have the necessary or adequate tools.  If you can honestly say you do not have the basic or necessary tools to succeed then ask yourself, “Where can I find the tools needed?”  Once you get the tools put those initial thoughts back on trial.
4. Do I believe I am a mind-reader? Contrary to popular belief, we do not know what is on the mind of another person.  As humans, we misinterpret or miss signals from others all the time.  When you believe what another person is thinking about you is negative, you no longer set yourself up for success. Your misperceptions may cause you to behave or communicate in ways that are no longer affirming.  Go into all situations, reassuring yourself that the only thing certain are the thoughts you have within yourself.
5. Am I seeing the gray?  If you find yourself thinking in terms of “all or nothing” (also known as black and white thinking) this may hold you back from accomplishing your goals.  So much of life exists in the middle, the gray areas that are not truly defined.  The gray leaves room for change and improvement.  So, if you catch yourself thinking in terms of “never, all, always,” you may be setting yourself up for stagnation.  After all, there are no absolutes in life.
6. Did someone give this irrational thought to me? If you notice falling into the same types of negative thought patterns as listed above, you may want to pause and ask yourself “Where did this come from?” Many of our irrational thoughts and distortions have been given to us or observed by others, and in various situations (e.g., home environment, at school).  Before adopting a negative thought as your own, be sure to assess if it was your original thought to begin with.

As mentioned before, having cognitive distortions are normal.  You just have to mindful of them and not get into recurrent patterns of feeling stuck because you think they are true. Continuously assessing and correcting our negative thought patterns can be exhausting, but it is necessary to move past fear and accomplish the goals you set for yourself.

Anyone else out there guilty of a little stinking thinking? What are your favorite ways to put them on trial?  I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!

P.S. Remember growth can happen anywhere, even in the stuck places.

Mindful Therapy Works has been in the midst of a major transition.  As the owner, I find it challenging to balance transitioning not only my personal life, but also uprooting my private practice.  By allowing myself more grace during this time, I realized how being mindful helps to ease unnecessary stress.  So, whether it’s a big move to a new city or a big move within a company, here are some ways practicing mindfulness can help you learn to enjoy the shifting season in your life.  

1. Savor the last moments.  Before fully emerging yourself into the new situation, take time to slow down and enjoy the things (or persons) you will no longer have regular or predictable access to. These moments may include setting up final meetups, going for a run along your favorite route, or even shopping at that boutique one last time.  Whatever you do, be totally present.  Mindfulness will allow you to capture these fleeting moments and leave a positive mental imprint as you move forward.  Try not to rush to the next phase without a moment of pause. 
2. Have patience with yourself.  Self-compassion will have to be at an all-time high during a major transition.  It will take significant time to navigate your new life and there will be ups and downs along the way.  Establishing a “new normal” is the name of the game.  This is the time to let go of perfectionism and control.  For some, the adjustment period may take a month or two, while it may take a year or so for others.  Trust that you will know when you are starting to get the hang of things again.
3. Properly deal with your feelings.  Whether the change comes as planned or a surprise, expect an array of different emotions.  It is normal to feel sad and happy about the change at the same time.  Do not be surprised if some doubt or anxiety creep in. Our emotions have jobs to do, so when a strong or unexpected emotion comes on, ask yourself “what is this feeling trying to tell me?”  The answer to that question may reveal a lot more than you think.
4. Go with the flow.  Ease on into this change!  Busying your schedule or listing a mile-high to-do list may leave you feeling overwhelmed. Leave room on your schedule to get lost or explore a new part of town.  Even a return to a familiar town may be completely different from when you left it (e.g., moving back home after college) and you may quickly discover that old friends may be in different phases of their own lives.  You may even find yourself asking “where do you fit in at this new job, city, or within an organization?”  These answers may not come automatically.  As the answers come, this may require additional adjustments as you figure out your own way.
5. Accept impermanency.  This last point is adulting at its finest! Take the time to give kudos for successfully going through life and navigating change as best as you can. It is difficult to accept that nothing in life is permanent but holding on can cause more emotional harm than good.  There is no growth without change.

I hope this list benefits you as it does me.  Moving and change can be enjoyable in the midst of uncertainty.  Anyone else out there going through or preparing for a major transition currently? 

P.S. Remember growth can happen anywhere, even in the stuck places.

As the daughter of immigrant parents and a minority woman myself, I’ve experienced everything from being the only one of “me” in a room to seeing my community portrayed as criminals or less than on the news. Feelings of isolation, sadness, and even anger can surface during these times.  As a therapist, I’ve seen these similar struggles, and more, in many of my minority clients as well.  During Minority Mental Health Month, I felt it was appropriate to provide a list of ways to protect one’s mental health as a minority.  I try my best to implement the items on this list on a regular basis and, perhaps, you should too.

1. Know your boundaries and triggers. What topics of conversations are off-limits for you?  Beware of hot button topics such as politics, race, and religion.  Have an exit strategy or “one-liner” ready for use when you do not want to weigh in on a particular topic.  Also, knowing your triggers and how to avoid them can make all the difference in how you manage your interactions throughout the day.
2. Don’t engage in lengthy debates. Let’s face it, sometimes we cannot always get out of the conversation.  If caught in a heated debate while in a professional setting, try to understand that the other person(s) may never see your point of view.  It is not mentally healthy to force your point of view on someone or become upset if the other person (s) do not agree with you.  Some people cannot or chose not to understand.  It is ok to agree to disagree and still be civil.  Keep that energy for someone or something else that plays an important role in your life.
3. Limit social media & news outlets. This is a given but had to be put on the list.  Minorities are not always portrayed in a positive way on news and social media outlets. Limit time spent on these sites by either checking them once a day or taking periodic breaks from them all together. Try not to start or end your day with potential negativity.  An alternate approach would be to follow outlets that are uplifting and show people of color in a positive light.
4. Find creative, playful, and spiritual outlets. The weight of constantly analyzing, discussing, and trying to solve minority concerns, occurring locally and abroad, can definitely take a toll on your mental health.  It is very important to regularly enjoy life and find opportunities that bring you joy and moments of peace.  Find ways to immediately distress right after work, school, or any emotionally draining situation.
5. Hand select your tribe and closest companions. Friendships at work and school may be convenient but not always nourishing once you leave that environment.  Select people you can truly be yourself around and be intentional about who you let in your circle.
6. Take up a worthy cause, be a change agent.  Let’s face it, change can sometimes take years to manifest, and not all change will be seen in your lifetime.  While change cannot occur in a day, you can take small steps right in your community.  Consider mentoring someone of a similar background, donating to a non-profit, volunteering, or even showing up for a school’s career day.  Be the change you want to see.
7. Seek out mentors for yourself.  It is vital for career and academic success to seek out those who have paved the way before you.  Do not feel you have to face difficult or unchartered territory alone.  Join professional organizations or mentoring groups to locate possible mentors that you can call on for professional advice and guidance.  Don’t be afraid to network and put yourself out there.  
8. Limit opportunities for re-traumatization. Many people do not always know they have experienced trauma, and this is especially true within minority populations. Be mindful of people, situations, or places that have the potential for high and ongoing emotional distress. Intense and continuous mental distress opens the door to trauma.  Limit opportunities for re-traumatization by distancing yourself, implementing radical self-care/love, and making necessary changes.
9. Seek therapy when needed.  Being discriminated against, labeled, or judged in multiple environments can certainly take its toll. Traumatic experiences may not always be understood by our friends and family. Be sure to find a culturally competent provider when talking to friends or family is not enough.  Therapy can help you better communicate, create boundaries, identify triggers, and provide other ways to protect your mental health.
10. Always know your worth and be prepared to make a change.  Whether you’re the only person of color in your environment or do not feel like your opinions are being heard, know that you deserve to be in whatever room life takes you! You are smart enough, you are capable, and you worked hard to get to where you are.  Never let environment, labels, or people doubt your worth.  If you are constantly in a place that has you questioning your worth and you’ve tried all the tips above, don’t be afraid to move on and make a change.

P.S. Remember growth can happen anywhere, even in the stuck places.

Dear Augusta, 

I have learned so much about myself while living here for the past seven years. I thank you for teaching me like no other city could.  I believe as one chapter closes, reflection is needed as a new one begins. Before moving, I decided to take some time and reflect on my experiences both professionally and socially. Listed below are 7 ways I’ve grown and what I learned: 

1. Augusta is where I planted the initial seeds of becoming a therapist.  Before moving here, I wondered if I’d ever be able to practice therapy and you immediately answered, yes!  My first official title as therapist was here and I could not have been happier.

2.  I became professionally legit here! It was you, Augusta, that connected me to awesome supervisors in my field that poured into me month after month while I sought supervision hours and full licensure. This allowed me to obtain my clinical social work license, form my own LLC, and open the doors to my own practice. 

3.    It was you, Augusta, that told me it was ok to take risks and to go for it!  You boldly helped me walk into full-fledged speaker status. My first paid speaking engagement was here, and you let me know I was worth every penny! I shook off my fears and you were there along the way with support in tow. My #bosslady mindset started with you.

4.    I am thankful for the friends I would not have met otherwise.  I met such dynamic women here that continue to inspire me to this day. I don’t think these women know how much I have valued their friendships. I look back and smile at all the impromptu lunches, Starbucks meetings, home get-togethers, and everything in between.

5.    You provided me with an introduction to mindful living.  I took my aspiring yogi aspirations up a notch here and learned to incorporate more holistic ways of living. 

6.    It was here I became a newbie wife and first-time homeowner.  You allowed me to fully channel my inner Betty Crocker and Susie Homemaker! LOL!  You solidified that the best things, in life, are truly non-material things.

7.    Lastly, you taught me the importance of being still and knowing that most things end up working out.  I learned it is perfectly ok to slow down and let things occur as they should.  Thank you for these priceless moments.

I am so thankful for my time here in more ways than one.  It’s not goodbye Augusta, it’s see you later!

Best, 

Stephanie

Self-Talk Matters: 3 Quick Tips for Increasing POSITIVE Self-Talk TODAY

Self-talk includes what we say to ourselves and how we respond to the thoughts that come to mind. It happens throughout the day, and you may not even notice its frequency. I challenge you to track your self-talk throughout the course of a day and to pay attention to your type of inner dialogue.  You may even discover self-talk patterns depending on your mood or particular situations. It is important that what we say to ourselves include kind, compassionate, and motivating words. If you find your self-talk to be more on the less affirming or negative side, here are 3 quick tips for increasing POSITIVE self-talk TODAY.

1. Focus on your strengths when approached with difficulties. No one is perfect, but everyone has some super qualities. Focus on those qualities and strengths. For every negative thought or self-talk statement, immediately combat it with one or two identified strengths.  

2. Talk to yourself as you would a good friend, a young child, or even a pet. Have you ever noticed that sometimes we treat and talk to everyone else around us better than we do for ourselves? By talking to yourself as you would a young child, for example, you will increase compassion for yourself, especially in times of mistakes or forgetfulness.

3. Start your self-talk using positive “I statements.” I statements are one of the most affirming ways to speak life into yourself! Even if you do not believe them, at first, frequently encourage yourself with statements such as “I can do this” or “I have all the tools I need to succeed.” You’ll be surprised what starts to seep in.

By identifying your own negative self-talk patterns and implementing these steps above, you’ll be on your way to a more confident version of you. Until next time!

P.S. Remember growth can happen anywhere, even in the stuck places.

Mother’s Day is about a week away here in the U.S.  For some, plans have been made, cards have been thoughtfully selected, and gifts will soon be bought.  For others, uncertainty and sorrow may be looming ahead.  Mother’s Day can be an emotionally difficult day for those whose mothers are no longer living or with whom they have a strained relationship.  Each passing Mother’s Day brings a different set of emotions and questions on how one can navigate the upcoming days.  While this is not an all-encompassing list for the daughters and sons on Mother’s Day, here are 5 ways to help ease difficult emotions that may come up.

1. Eliminate catastrophizing or fortune telling.Watch your self-talk and try your  best to eliminate doubts about your ability to manage.  Harmful statements may be self-talk such as “I’m not going to make it through this day” or “I won’t be able to handle another Mother’s Day.” Even saying “I can’t wait for the day to be over” can put you in emotional turmoil and derail you for the day.  Instead of such statements, replace them with “I can do hard things” and accept the emotions as they come. 
2. Identify a present, mother figure in your life.  This figure may be related or unrelated to you.  This figure could also be a coworker or someone who just “checks in.” Once you’ve identified this person, take some time to connect with her.  Perhaps consider taking this person out to lunch the Saturday before (see point #5) or delivering a heartfelt message in a card. This act of gratitude will, in turn, uplift you as well.
3. Honor your mother in the best way you can, if possible.  This may mean remembering the good times and taking small moments to recreate them.  If your mother is deceased, perhaps you can wear her favorite color on Mother’s Day. If there is a favorite movie you two enjoyed, perhaps watching it in the comfort of your home, will bring you some joy. Whatever it is, just think on ways you feel comfortable honoring the parent that is not in your present life.
4. Plan intentional self-care.  Yes, I said it. Plan the self-care.  Don’t wait for Mother’s Day to come and then try to wing it.  If this day has been particularly difficult for you or if this is your first Mother’s Day without your mother, it will help to look forward to something you have planned for yourself.  If the massage is what you want, go for it! Just keep in mind self-care also includes cleaning your space, sticking to your own routines, and saying “no” to requests that may come in that day.
5. Avoid or decrease visual flooding.   There will be situations and locations where you may be flooded with images of dynamic mother-daughter duos.  Even the perception of strangers as mother and daughter may be a tear-jerker.  The main culprit being social media.  Set a goal of avoiding or decreasing your social media usage.  Of course, we can’t eliminate all visual triggers but if you’re sensitive to images, these situations can be overwhelming.

Some points may work for you and others may not, just identify where you are. The hope for this post is to let you know that you can, indeed, do hard things on hard days.  Navigate Mother’s Day in ways you are most comfortable. 

P.S. Remember growth can happen anywhere, even in the stuck places.

3 Ways Achieving Your Resolutions Will Actually Improve Your Mental Health.

1. Self-efficacy is the ultimate HIGH!  Ask yourself, are you the captain of your ship or the window peering passenger?  Being able to steer your own ship, despite the waves of life, is the ultimate reward. There will never be a good time to start and the “feeling” to actually begin may never set in, but taking just ONE step towards that resolution, is the beginning of increased self-efficacy and confidence. Having a sense of accomplishment almost always elicits a positive mood.
2. Increased COMMITMENT to you.  After taking steady steps towards your resolution or its actual achievement, you may find yourself committed to other areas of life that are important to you.  When you make YOU a priority, it is hard to deny what must be done to create the best version of yourself.  When ignored or dismissed, repeat resolutions, have a tendency to unconsciously increase your negative self-talk, doubt, and possibly even self-sabotage. Beware of such negative patterns and keep that commitment you made to YOU!
3. The continued EVOLUTION of you.  You would be surprised what comes out of accomplishing a long-term resolution.  Whether it be leaving a toxic relationship or starting a new career, sometimes getting to point B just will not happen without some momentum at point A.  Accomplishing a long-standing resolution clears the way for other areas of importance to come to light.  You may even lose that unsettling sense of “being stuck” that often leads to anxious and depressed moods. 

Hi there! It took me a while to get to this point.  To actually have a blog. Oh my!  No matter our profession, fears and self-doubt can often delay what we know in our hearts must happen. I decided to practice what I preached and pushed that fear to the side!

So, without further ado, allow me to introduce myself.  I am Stephanie Nichols, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, in the state of Georgia, who provides psychotherapy in her own private practice called Mindful Therapy Works. For now, I am a solo practitioner and my main focus includes aiding individuals in breaking anxious and depressive thought patterns, alleviating triggers that lead to high stress, and adjusting to the many expected and unexpected life transitions (think a big move, a growing family) that come our way.

I am the proud (and dare I say chic) social worker who is not typically depicted on movies or your favorite tv shows.  There are a lot of misconceptions about what social workers do but I will save that for an entirely different post. Lol!

Being a therapist, business owner, entrepreneur, and wife, I know life can be extremely demanding and ever changing.  I am here for the overworked, highly anxious but functioning individuals, those prone to depression/isolation, perfectionists, millennials in transition, and social media connoisseurs.

I am a self-proclaimed chicmian [pronounced shēk-mē-ən] which means while I love all things chic, I also lean towards a lot of bohemian tendencies.  Simply put, a chicmian is one who appreciates a polished lifestyle while also recognizing and honoring the need for holistic ways of regular living.

Did you know therapy can be sought out for an endless number of reasons? Many people think therapy is only reserved for those apparent experiences such as people who may have experienced the loss of a loved one or have suffered at the hands of a natural disaster. The reasons people can go to therapy are vast and wide. Therapy should also be sought out as a preventative measure and not only as a last-minute intervention. Here are some uncommon, but very real, reasons to seek out therapy.

Reason #1: Experiencing a Major Level Up 
A level up is any forward movement you have worked hard for, studied for, and even prayed for! Experiencing a major life change you have always wanted can also come with some insecurities. Yes, you may have wanted that job but what happens when you’re the only person in the room that looks like you? A level up, of any sort, means increased personal and life adjustments.  Have you taken a moment to wonder how the level up may impact your mental health?

Reason #2: Shrinking your social circle 
They say, “all things last for a season.” What if this new season means a complete overhaul of those you’ve associated the most and longest with? Whether you decided to let some people go or people have decided to let you go, various emotions may surface that you may or may not be ready to come to terms with.

Reason #3: Transitioning into or out of higher education 
Going to college is not an opportunity afforded to everyone. If given this opportunity, it can be an exciting yet anxious time of your life. Transitioning into or out of higher education may leave some feeling unsure of themselves, alone, and uncertain of what is to come. It is important to process these emotions to allow your maximum potential to rise to the surface.   

Reason #4: Loss of a Pet 
Pets are family.  Losing a pet can be devastating and it is ok to grieve the loss of a beloved fur baby. Sometimes they are the one, living specimen that does not judge despite your highs and lows. Take the time that you need to adjust to this loss and, if no one understands, seek a professional.

Reason #5: Consistent Financial Issues 
If you find yourself always in a financial crisis or neglecting your responsibilities, this may be indicative of a bigger issue. If you take the time to analyze bad financial habits, you may find out patterns or moods that lead up to impulsive purchases or decisions. Poor financial habits have a tendency to keep you from achieving your goals and may lead to consequences you are not so proud of.

Reason #6: Female reproduction concerns
Any and all aspects of female reproduction can be discussed with a trained therapist. From deciding not to have a child to experiencing infertility issues, this is a sensitive topic of discussion for many women. All concerns around female reproduction can and does have a significant impact on the emotional health of a woman. Anxiety, depression, and the full spectrum of emotions can set in when you least expect it!

Reason #7: Keeping a personal secret of some sort 
Who has not kept a secret from a friend or family member? Some secrets can be harmless but what if keeping that secret causes you harm emotionally? The secrets may range from trauma that happened in your childhood to a behavior that started as an adult. If that long kept secret causes you to feel sick or ashamed of who you are, consider discussing your concern with a professional. Whatever your secret is, not everyone may be able to understand or process it so be aware of who you seek advice from.

I am sure I could add a few more to this list but I will stop here. Therapy can be most beneficial for the most uncommon of circumstances. Now, I am curious, did any of the items on the list surprise you? If so, I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.

P.S.  Remember growth can happen anywhere, even in the stuck places.